To Distinguish Between Thing And Person - And To Be Able To Forgive The Unforgivable

A leader lives the leadership, it exists in his inner nature, in the essence of her being.

Introduction

A leader lives the leadership, it exists in his inner nature, in the essence of her being. This article is aimed at those of us who stand by but who are highly involved, to contribute to a better society, to contribute to the next generation, to support vulnerable people in a more constructive, caring and respectful way. I have chosen not to touch on the perpetrator and its consequences, I leave it to our care and our judiciary.

As an observer of an event we see, hear or experience with our own senses or an event we are told, so in both cases we will never really have the whole picture. We do not know for sure what happened just before the snapshot, or what is behind or what is going on in another person's inner reality. Our brain tries to understand and create a context of the snapshot or the information we have access to and since we do not have access to the whole image, the brain adds and subtracts and interprets based on beliefs, own experiences and emotions in the moment.

To avoid pain

If we experience something that hurts, we as human beings naturally want to avoid pain and are happy to find something concrete outside ourselves to project the pain on or deafen it with various means such as, food, alcohol, games, shopping, sex, etc. In the former, to put the "problem" (which causes the pain) outside of ourselves, it can be about judging others, finding scapegoats, we can also put the blame on the conditions themselves in or around a situation or on the matter itself. It could, for example, be a reorganization that makes nothing work in the workplace and that in itself can even justify our own bad behavior, or it was the rebuilding of traffic that caused us to collide and it could be, for example, the boss, the driver, cohabitant, the company,

To be a victim of circumstances

What is challenging for us is that we all have different values, different ways of looking at right and wrong, good and evil and that we all start from the truth and the reality that lives in ourselves. This means that there are as many truths as there are people. We need to understand that we are all different and that we can never understand what it is like to walk in another person's shoes. And if we go back to the fact that it evokes emotions, such as anger, sadness or sadness when we encounter something that hurts, something we do not understand, something we consider to be wrong or that goes against our values, there is a risk that we ourselves become victims of circumstances. When we put something outside ourselves, we can not influence. Only when we step into our self-leadership, when we take responsibility for our emotions, our attitude,

It is never ok to intentionally commit violence or abuse against anyone else, either physically or mentally. Some things we usually agree are right or wrong and we have created laws and a legal system to be able to decide somewhere within what framework we should relate. To commit an act of violence or abuse against someone else, most healthy people would say that it is wrong. It has never been, is not and will never be ok to intentionally harm another human being neither physically nor mentally! Still, 482,000 people were exposed to rape and sexual crimes and 285,000 people to violence and assault in 2018 according to BRÅ's website. We must also add a large number of blacks plus several other crimes, such as child abuse is not included in those figures.

I do not mention the numbers to create angry thoughts about the people who commit the act, but to understand that it is important to create a society based on love, courage, maturity, responsibility and civil courage and not to let fear, revenge, punishment or abuse create even more discord, aggression or war. In that journey we are all involved. To me, Mother Theresa is a role model in these contexts, she was never against war, violence or disease. She was for peace, for acts of love and for prosperity. I do not think we will achieve peace on earth until we have peace within ourselves. Studies on mental training or NLP show that what we focus on expands. So even if we want well but focus on something we experience negatively (eg corona, abuse), we give it unconscious nourishment.

Everyday events

There is "shit" in the corridor at work talking about a person, are you sitting quietly?

There are gender-discriminatory swear words at a meeting, do you say?

Derogatory words are said to people in the other team on your child's football, do you let that happen?

You hear the guys in the store express themselves insultingly towards the girls who are with, are you acting?

A group of girls discriminates against a guy from another country when you are waiting for the bus, do you let it pass?

What words do we use, how conscious are we really, do we let the good voice within us speak?

Do you judge, slander or do you make someone else a scapegoat sometimes?

Have you ever made mistakes or mistakes that hurt or hurt someone else?

I know that I have both let things pass, I have judged and I have hurt others.

I want to change that. I want us to change our society together.

Throwing stones in glass houses

We all have a history, experiences, heritage and environment with us. We all make mistakes, we all have weaknesses, we all say and do both good and bad things. I am not writing this article to justify anyone or judge anyone, nor to value actions as greater or less, it is not my job and not my purpose, my desire is we try to see from multiple perspectives, that we increases our awareness and that we are helped to influence. I want to emphasize that for me it is never, is not and will never be ok to expose another human being to violence either physically or mentally.

No matter how bad we like it, no matter how much we want to stand up for the victim, no matter how wrong we feel it is to abuse, rape, buy sex or whatever it is about, is my question, does it give us anything? put the justification for insulting, mocking, committing mental abuse and defamation. Do we have any kind of special permission because it was someone else who started it, or because we judge their actions to be worse, do we have the right to behave badly because someone else commits a horrible act? Who will we be then?

Self-leadership

Even though we think something is wrong and terrible, can we choose to be people with respect and dignity? It's not about not standing up for what we believe in, but rather about how we do it. Do we think we are helping the vulnerable person by soiling the perpetrator? Are we showing leadership, are we role models for our children by being a person who judges, insults, mocks, slanders and wants revenge? Or do we sink to the lowest within ourselves and choose to be perpetrators or victims of the circumstances ourselves?

Why not choose to be good leaders and take responsibility for our emotions and our own behavior, influence what we can through constructive communication, solution-focused action and action. Can we as adults really not distinguish between person and action. No matter how wrong the action, it is still a human being, possibly someone's child, sibling, parent, friend or partner.

If your child committed an abuse, would you have turned his / her back on him / her? Would you have liked other people to have insulted, mocked and taken away the right to mentally abuse your child even if his act was wrong? If your friend is the perpetrator, because yes, probably one of your or my friends has committed an act of violence or subjected someone to abuse if we look at the statistics. Would you have liked their children to see and hear everything that is posted in the media. Do we think it teaches children about respect and love? If we want to help people who have been exposed, I believe we should be good role models, show love and respect and focus on supporting and strengthening that person by making mature and courageous active choices that are non-offensive, factual, respectful and which really contributes to the vulnerable in the situation to really make a difference.

Forgiveness

In therapy and grief processing, which I have worked a lot with, forgiveness is often a key to being able to take us further. Not to ask for forgiveness but to forgive. Not for the sake of the other person but for our own sake. Forgiveness is not about the fact that the action is ok, that the other person is right, that we crawl to the cross, give in or show ourselves weak. Forgiveness is about making us free, free from allowing someone or something that has caused us pain to control our condition and our well-being. Forgiveness is about realizing that we have the power to get out of the feeling of being trapped and not let anyone else have the power over our emotions or our lives.

What happened has happened, that's enough in itself, forgiveness is about not prolonging our own suffering. Forgiveness is about stepping into one's own power, taking command, leaving the role of victim and stepping into the role of responsibility. The hardest thing to forgive is sometimes ourselves. It is often a process to be able to truly forgive from the inside out, but it is also often the most liberating experience to realize that no one can make us a victim if we do not allow it ourselves. We can be directors in our own lives.

In the therapy room

In the therapy room I have had children who have seen parents take their lives, partners whose life partners have taken their lives, parents of children who have taken drugs or taken their lives, young boys who have been hooligans, young girls who have hundreds of thousands in debts of shopping addiction , young men with debt and gambling addiction, young girls, women and older women who have been raped, beaten and abused, men who have been abused by women. Self-harming behavior, anxiety, food abuse of lack. Losses in other ways where grief has taken over. They know what it's like in the abyss and how you can feel there and often you also have to face your own darkness, that vulnerability makes a person humble. They usually do not want to hear, read or experience more drama in their lives, they just want peace and quiet, respect, care and kindness.

When it comes to an act of violence, it sometimes helps the victim to understand (without having to understand at the moment) that in some cases the perpetrator has once been the victim himself, perhaps an abused or sexually exploited child. Had we been able to prevent or care for the vulnerable child then, we could possibly have avoided a perpetrator now. Think in other circumstances, that person could have been you or me, no matter how unthinkable it is to think so, the absurd. But how can we know what it is like from a perspective we have no idea.

Once again, it does not justify the act, but it may help us to understand the seriousness and thus contribute to no one having to experience abuse or violence. Despite deep pain and sorrow, these amazing people in the therapy room usually manage to forgive, they manage to find strength to live, move on even if the journey can be varied. They often gain more empathy and understanding for others and see life with different eyes, with depth and humility. If they can forgive, then we can try to behave with respect and constructive action!

Summary

So to tie my thoughts together, I think the problem is not outside ourselves, we can practice stepping into our self-leadership and actively choose to relate to each situation or relationship. We can choose who we want to be and how we want to act, no matter how vulnerable we are, no matter how wrong and unfair we think something is. We also see that we need more resources in society, mental illness needs to be taken seriously and when we meet healthcare we need to make demands. Financial resources are needed.

But there is also much we can contribute ourselves every day to prevent and actively create good values and a better society. Each of us makes a difference. Each of us makes an impression, what traces do you want to leave behind? We contribute by being present with our children (put away the phones) and people around us, by showing participation, kindness, touch, love and care. All science shows that these easily accessible self-chosen actions affect our brain, our psyche, our physical health, our mental state, well-being, stress levels and our self-esteem and self-love in a positive way.

We also know .... that people who feel good do not hurt others….

- Anna Ugander

Categories: : English